Chapter seventy two.
(an – please like and reblog)
“You ready babe?” Louis asks squeezing my hand as he turns the engine off.
It’s Christmas day, I was awoken bright and early this morning by Louis kissing my neck. The whole of Louis’ family gathered downstairs and opened presents together before having pancakes for breakfast.
Louis bought me a beautiful Vivien Westwood necklace which I’m currently wearing. He also got me a few other little bits and pieces with I’m very thankful.
Luckily Louis loved the vintage records I’d bought him after checking every single one he owned when he was in the shower one time to make sure I hadn’t bought him any he already had.
I also got him the twin peaks box set because he often mentions it being a favourite of his, I personally haven’t watched it but from Louis’ description I think I’ll rather enjoy watching it with him.
Christmas dinner was lovely, I insisted on helping Johanna cook. For a while Louis tried to help too but seeing as he couldn’t even peel the potatoes properly we sent him away.
Now we’re parked outside the hospital, I feel this awful fear. Like what if I’ve made a mistake? Perhaps I should have come here.
“Lis?” Louis asks again squeezing my hand a little harder.
“Um I think so, I don’t know. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea” I ramble running a hand through my hair.
“I think you’ve made the right choice coming here. It’s important to you. It’s Christmas and Ivy is family” Louis encourages.
“I guess you’re right” I shrug.
“I’m always right” Louis smirks before pressing a kiss to my cheek.
“Now I’m going to sit here and wait. You go on it, take as long as you like. there’s no rush” He says tucking a stray hair behind my ear.
“Ok, ok I’m going” I smile unbuckling my seatbelt.
Once I’ve closed the car door behind me it seems a little easier, the door isn’t that many steps away.
The ground is coated in a thin layer of ice making my heeled boots a not so wise choice. Of course there’s no snow coating the ground that’d be too stereotypical. I don’t think I’ve ever had a white Christmas so to speak. Well not that I can remember anyways.
I enter the hospital in a seemingly quick manner and make my way over to the reception desk.
The girl sat at the desk doesn’t look too happy, but I guess if you’re lumbered with a Christmas day shift you’re hardly going to be full of Christmas spirit and fun.
“Hi can I help” She smiles perking up a little when she notices me.
“Yes, I’m here to visit my niece, Ivy Styles” I smile back
She nods before typing into her computer, presumably checking which ward and room Ivy’s in.
“Your niece is in ward 6, room 13” She smiles.
“Thank you. Oh and Merry Christmas” I smile as I wave goodbye.
“You too” She smiles.
I get into a lift before exiting again at ward 6, which is on the third floor.
The ward is decorated in tinsel and other Christmas decorations with children’s drawings on the walls too. This must have being what Harry meant when he mentioned the hospital staff getting into the Christmas spirt.
I walk along the corridor hearing nothing other than the tapping of my heels on the floor. The typical hospital smell has filled my nose and reminds me of every A&E trip I made as a child, and now a much fresher memory comes to mind. A much more haunting memory.
Finding out my sister was dead.
I turn a corner and notice some familiar faces, Anne and Alan.
“Alisa darling how lovely and somewhat unexpected to see you” Alan smiles standing to his feet and engulfing me in hug.
“Hi” I mumble as he steps back a little.
“Are you visiting your parents?” Anne asks.
“Oh no they still aren’t speaking to me, not even at Christmas. I’m here with a friend of mine we’re staying with his family” I explain.
“Boyfriend?” Anne asks raising an eyebrow.
“Umm something like that” I laugh uncomfortably.
“Gemma’s in there now with Harry, I’ll get her to leave and give you and Harry some time alone” Anne smiles squeezing my shoulder before going inside room 13.
“Everything seems to be working well in New York, are you enjoying it?” Alan asks.
“Yes very much so, I can’t thank you enough for giving me this great opportunity” I smile.
“I’m glad you’re happy, I wish I could say the same for my son” Alan sighs giving me a weak smile.
Before I have the chance to reply, not that I know what to say, Gemma and Anne come out of the room.
“We’ll chat in a bit yeah? I don’t want to hold you up” Gemma smiles happily before pulling me into a hug.
“He doesn’t know you’re here. Please don’t let either of you get hurt, only do what feels right” Gemma says quietly into my ear before pulling away.
I take a deep breath before opening the door.
The room isn’t like the other hospital rooms I’ve seen Ivy in, the walls are painted in bright colours and covered in children’s handprints and cute things like suns, animals, stars, people and flowers.
There’s a Christmas tree in the corner with decorations and fairy lights on.
“Alisa?” Harry gasps his voice shaky.
“Hi” I wave pathetically unsure of what else to do.
“Wow. I can’t believe you’re here” He says his voice a little more controlled.
“Neither can I” I laugh taking a few measly steps towards him.
“Your hair! You look sooo different, I like it though. I really like it” He grins as he looks me up and down slowly.
The feeling I get when I know he’s looking at me is a feeling I still cannot put into words.
“Thank you, I fancied a change I guess” I smile taking another few tiny steps towards him.
“Well I think you look incredible” He smiles.
“You look good too, gosh your hairs getting so long” I smirk.
“Oh I know I put it up in a bun sometimes” He grins seeming proud of himself.
“No way” I laugh. And when I say laugh I mean that horrible loud and unattractive laugh that only occurs when something’s really funny, the kind that makes your sides hurt and leaves you out of breath.
“Shut up” He says pouting before turning his attention to his daughter.
I take the few remaining steps towards them before also looking at Ivy.
She looks quite a bit bigger, of course she’s still tiny. There’s a light coating of thin blonde hairs on the top of her little head. Just like Gracie.
“She amazes me y’know, she’s so tiny yet so strong. Like every day she seems a little bit different, I notice something else. I fall in love with her a little more. Not that I’d think that’s even possible to love her more than I do now” Harry says softly.
“I can imagine” I sigh.
Harrys hand moves to gently wrap around my waist as he stands beside me.
I flitch a little under his hand.
“Sorry um I dunno it just seemed natural” Harry says worriedly pulling his hand away.
“No. its fine” I reply with a tiny smile taking his hand and placing it back on my hip.
We watch Ivy in silence for quite a while, somewhere during that time my body leans against his and my head rests on his chest.
The comfort I feel around Harry is different, it’s like its natural. Fitting.
“Why are you here then? Are you here for Christmas or for good?” Harry asks. Saying the things I’d hoped and prayed we’d avoid although I knew it was unlikely.
Of course he’ll want to know if I’m sticking around, if I’m with Louis and how I feel about him.
Fuck fuckity fuck.
“Um for Christmas” I sigh making sure not to move away from Harry.
“I thought as much. With him? Or with your family?” He asks.
“With Louis” I reply quietly hoping perhaps he won’t hear.
Of course he hears.
“Again just as I’d thought” Harry says his voice a little cold. But judging by the fact his hold on me has tightened he still wants me around.
“Sorry” I say gently as I wrap my arm around him turning our closeness into some form of embrace.
“Its ok” Harry replies dryly.
“It isn’t” I say back in a slightly kinder tone.
“Well no but its fair” Harry replies his hands running up and down my back.
This feeling reminds me of the times we’d spend in bed together, after having sex when we’d cuddle and simply lie side by side. Harry would run his fingers gently up and down my back tracing shapes, sometimes he’d write messages and I’d have to figure out what he wrote. Often it was ‘ I love you’ or the classic ‘you smell’ but sometimes it was something a little more personal.
I miss that.
“Fair?” I question utterly unsure of what he meant.
“Yeah. I fucked you about and now you’re doing the same. I kept seeing Grace and making you wait for a decision and well that’s what you’re doing” Harry explains.
“Oh, I’d never thought of it like that” I reply honestly.
“It’s ok though. I know soon you’ll know what you want and then it’ll be the end of this one way or another” Harry says in surprisingly happy tone.
“Right. So it doesn’t bother you that I’m going back to New York with Louis in a few days?” I ask hoping not to start an argument of some sort.
“No. well yeah of course it does, but I understand. We’ll have our time when you’ve made your mind up. Well if you choose me that is” Harry says raising one hand to run through my hair.
“But I don’t wanna think about that now. I just want to be here with you, for this small amount of time” Harry says softly as he cups my cheek so I’m looking him right in the eye. Even if I wanted to look away I don’t think I could. His eyes just seem to hold me, draw me in.
“Just me and you” Harry whispers as his lips draw closer to mine.
They touch me lightly in the most teasing of ways, it’s like a form of torture. A very pleasant form of torture.
The pressure alters as Harry draws me closer, I doubt it’s possible I could be pressed any closer to him than I am right now.
Whenever Harry and I kiss it becomes so much better than I’ve remembered, there’s something so intoxicating about the way our kisses feel, the things they do to my head.
The way everything else blurs out because this is all that matters. Harry. Harry and me.
Being here right now, nothing else seems important, nothing else bothers me.
There’s no worries and no doubts.
Well not until we draw apart, then comes the floods of guilt for Louis, for Harry, for my sister, for Ivy, for everyone that’s somehow involved in the game Harry and I seem to be forced into playing. We play with each other’s feelings as well as everyone around us.
I even feel guilty for myself.
As self-obsessed as that sounds, I do. I feel like I’m causing myself more pain, more stress and more heartbreak. Which is true, I am.
Harry doesn’t really give me much chance to over think, that’s something I like about being with him.
Even though we’ve stopped kissing the guilt goes away just as quickly as it arrived when Harry holds me close and rests his head on top of mine.
Once again nothing else seems to matter. I haven’t got a single thought that isn’t Harry and that’s all the thought process is.
It’s nothing deep just Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry and so on.
I look up to meet Harry in the eye and run a hand through his hair which closer up seems even longer than I’d initially thought.
“Y’know I think your hair might be a little bit longer than mine” I laugh gently as I twirl a section around my finger.
“Yeah I think it might be” He laughs playing with my hair as if he’s mimicking my actions.
“It suits you though, I like it” I smile kissing his cheek tenderly.
“I like you” He says sticking his tongue out at me.
And instantly guilt over takes my thoughts once again.
Feelings. They’re just impossible aren’t they? Totally overrated.
“Al?” Harry says trying to tempt me out of my sudden silence.
Al, I always liked that name. Only Harry uses it, most people call me Alisa. Louis calls me Lis.
But Harry calls me Al.
You’re in my arms.
And let me tell you it’s right where you belong.
Kissing you comes naturally.
It’s like nothing else.
Seeing you is mind-numbing.
Eventually maybe you’ll tell me you love me.
Thanks for reading, I love and appreciate every single one of you.
Just to clear stuff up a bit, I’d initially thought since quitting college and gaining a considerable amount of free time I’d be updating more but even though I made the choice to quit to become happier right now I don’t feel happy I feel a bit like a failure and that I’m just wasting time doing nothing all day. I’m doing a few extra shifts at work and even more so when it gets closer to Christmas but at the moment I have give or take five free days a week with nothing much to do and its becoming difficult to keep positive with so little to do,
Anyone have any advice or ideas of what I can do in my free time besides updating more. I haven’t updated more because this current mood I’m in is just sooo uninspiring.
Anyways I hope you liked the chapter and got your much needed Harry and Alisa fix!
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